Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I Fail, Therefore I Am

Living your faith raises the bar.

It's like setting the high-jump to 12'. God's pretty sure you're not going to make it over, but the plan is for each of us to work hard every day and give it our best shot.

That's how I've been feeling lately.

When I set out to do the Real Catholic Men conference and the associated ministry, I knew I'd be putting a sort of target on my back. Who the heck was I to be taking on this role? What would people think of me if I stumbled and fell for all to see? Would the people of faith afford me the forgiveness and understanding that I need when I fall?

Well, I'm here to tell you that I am human, and that I have been having a hard time lately.

Like many men, there is something in (or around) my heart that is not letting Jesus fully inside. Either that, or that there is so much garbage in there that there is no room for Him. My faith has taken up residence in my mind, but not in my soul. Christ continues to live in the fringe and not at the center of my life. I am trying - don't get me wrong - and I will not give up. But it's difficult.

The relationship that I have with God is much like it is with my wife. She is a saint to put up with me. And I'm sure all of us who are married can pretty much say the same thing. We can be a real pain in the butt. Lately, I have been a HUGE one.

And while I truly love my wife, there are times that I treat her horribly. She deserves better. But I seem to not be able to let her all the way inside my heart, and anger is usually the easiest way to keep her out.

I know my faith and I (for the most part) live my faith, but I am having hard time feeling my faith. I read and pray and confess and pray some more, but the wall is still up.

I have recently found a new spiritual director who I hope will take me further in my understanding of why I am who I am. I am a sinful man, trying to leave that person further behind each and every day - only the distance is not increasing.

This is a life-long endeavor. I will work on it every day until I die. God willing, in end I'll have been made worthy to hear those words: "Well done, good and faithful servant. Well done."

Pray for me as I do for all of you.


tim said...

WOW, You have articulated my state of faith so completley. Thank you it is nice to know that I am not the only one struggling to live my faith.

cgspencer337 said...

You are not alone David, most men are right along the same path. Knowing that the devil's greatest and most effective weapon is discouragement, we men press onward carrying our daily crosses. The Devil knows that if he can attack men, then marriage, the family, vocations to the religious life, and everything else will crumble and fall in on itself. But the power of God is stronger - our struggles, these daily crosses might not get lighter, but our backs will get stronger - God will infuse in us faith, hope, and love which will carry us on to the finish line. Most of the time we won't feel or sense God's closeness and presence, this consolation will be given when He knows we need it most. Know that the family, the body of Christ, is behind you encouraging you on to the finish line!

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