Discernment.
One word. A lifetime of prayer and progress. I wish I knew more about it.
I am at a time in my life when I am trying to "discern" more than ever. At 40 - and currently out of work - I really feel that I am at a true crossroads.
God is calling. But what does He want? I think I know. Or is that me talking?
Maybe discernment isn't a definitive moment in time. One where you can say, "Righ there! That's when God spoke to me."
Maybe it's a small smile. Walking a few steps in front with arms crossed - like a father when his child learns to walk or ride a bike.
He wants to see my dedication. My focus. Not on the "goal," but on Him. He needs to remain at the center of ALL things.
I read. I reflect. I pray.
There is no lighting, thunder, burning bush or e-mail.
Just a smile. A nod.
Just as a loving Father should.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
A Walk with the Spirit
This past Friday, I was working my shift at the Oregon Right to Life booth at the Washington County Fair. For those of you NOT in the Portland, Oregon area - last week was one of the hottest on record. I say this to set the scene for the following story.
When my shift was completed, I called my wife to have her come pick me up. We live about 3 1/2 miles from the fair grounds, so I wouldn't have to wait long. The only problem was that the garage door had broken and that she, the kids, and the cars were trapped. She tried to get some of our neighbors to come and get me... but none of them were home.
It was at this point that I began my walk home.
That alone wouldn't have been extremely tragic. The issue was that I was wearing flip-flops and pants... and the temp was still in the 90's.
My wife was worried. But I smiled. Now I get to pray.
Before I got a hundred yards, I pulled out my Rosary. I prayed it for the poor people who were working the Planned Parenthood booth just a stones-throw away from where we were stationed. By the time I had completed the Rosary, my flip-flopped feet began to ache.
Praise God! I thought. I'll offer up my suffering for those workers as well.
I took off my flip-flops and began to walk barefoot. I immediately thought of the feet of Christ. All the walking he did. How dirty they must have been. How they must have hurt a lot of the time.
I raised my arms as I walked. Praising and thanking God for all His great works. The sun. The air. The trees. I prayed for my friends and family. I asked for the intercession of EVERY saint I could think of. I thanked God for my enemies. For my wife. My children.
I just praised. I don't think I even asked for anything. I just praised God.
After an hour and 10 minutes of walking, I arrived home. I was beat and my feet hurt (and boy, were they dirty), but I was filled with the Holy Spirit. Once I stopped walking, I could barely move my legs. Yeah, I'm a little out of shape;-)
After my wife gave me a tall glass of ice water and a plate of ravioli, I moved over to the couch. My wife surprised my by washing my blackened feet. I cannot tell you how good it felt.
But what felt better than my feet was my spirit. God was with me on that walk - as He is with EVERY walk that ANY of us take. Never forget that.
God be praised in all things.
When my shift was completed, I called my wife to have her come pick me up. We live about 3 1/2 miles from the fair grounds, so I wouldn't have to wait long. The only problem was that the garage door had broken and that she, the kids, and the cars were trapped. She tried to get some of our neighbors to come and get me... but none of them were home.
It was at this point that I began my walk home.
That alone wouldn't have been extremely tragic. The issue was that I was wearing flip-flops and pants... and the temp was still in the 90's.
My wife was worried. But I smiled. Now I get to pray.
Before I got a hundred yards, I pulled out my Rosary. I prayed it for the poor people who were working the Planned Parenthood booth just a stones-throw away from where we were stationed. By the time I had completed the Rosary, my flip-flopped feet began to ache.
Praise God! I thought. I'll offer up my suffering for those workers as well.
I took off my flip-flops and began to walk barefoot. I immediately thought of the feet of Christ. All the walking he did. How dirty they must have been. How they must have hurt a lot of the time.
I raised my arms as I walked. Praising and thanking God for all His great works. The sun. The air. The trees. I prayed for my friends and family. I asked for the intercession of EVERY saint I could think of. I thanked God for my enemies. For my wife. My children.
I just praised. I don't think I even asked for anything. I just praised God.
After an hour and 10 minutes of walking, I arrived home. I was beat and my feet hurt (and boy, were they dirty), but I was filled with the Holy Spirit. Once I stopped walking, I could barely move my legs. Yeah, I'm a little out of shape;-)
After my wife gave me a tall glass of ice water and a plate of ravioli, I moved over to the couch. My wife surprised my by washing my blackened feet. I cannot tell you how good it felt.
But what felt better than my feet was my spirit. God was with me on that walk - as He is with EVERY walk that ANY of us take. Never forget that.
God be praised in all things.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
"Find Joy In Me"
I feel different.
The first weekend in June, a good friend of mine and I attened a retreat for men's group leaders which was held at Franciscan University in Steubenville, OH.
I was originally under the impression that it was going to be more of a conference, where men would exchange ideas and tips on how to run men's groups/conferences better. To my surprise (and joy) it was MUCH more than that.
The weekend (as well as the location, for those who have never been to Franciscan University) was life changing. On the first night, we took part in benediction and adoration. Truth be told, I have never been good at adoration. Either my mind wanders aimlessly... or I fall asleep. This time I begged God to speak to me in this setting. 75 men worshipping Christ in the Most Blessed Sacrament after having been through confession. I asked for Him to show me true happiness. True joy that would not send me "seeking" in the wrong (and sinful) places, or cause anger and frustration when let down by those in whom you've put your trust.
"Please," I begged. "Please, please, please..." And He spoke to me. And His words were few, but powerful.
"Find joy in me."
"Of course!" I thought. But I kind of knew that. He is the source of all joy. For what seemed like 15 minutes, all I could hear in my head were those four words. Find joy in me. Find joy in me. Find joy in me.
But as I continued to think... and soon became destracted... the phrase (or at least the emphasis) changed. Soon it was: "Find joy in ME." At each distraction, I was "snapped" back to the center by Christ saying, "Find joy in Me." Not is other people being more quiet. Not in the bad driver. Not in the screaming children. Not in your job, your friends or your family. Over here! Find joy in ME! Not over there. Find joy in ME.
There it was, a true (to my definition) "centering prayer." One that brings your focus back to God and not on the noises in the periphery. One that holds your gaze, your attention and your spirit.
Finally! I had "found" something in adoration. But that was only the beginning. The Masses at the University were the most amazing I have EVER attended. I was prayed over and deliverd from so much brokenness. I heard speakers who pierced my soul. I talked with men who LOVED God.
I came back to Portland unconcerned that I had only sold a handful of tickets to a conference I was funding with my own credit card. As my wife and I began a Novena to the Immaculate Heart of Mary... the registrations came pouring in. On the day of the conference I had 60+ walk-up registrations. The day was amazing!
The next day (Father's Day) was full of joy.
The next day (Monday) I was fired from my job.
It was not a "good" break up.
But you know what. I know now that I can't look for joy in others. They'll let you down every time. As I drove away from my now-former work, with my box of stuff in the passenger seat, I smiled. I know that our God is an awesome God, and that He has WONDERFUL things in store for those who love Him.
As I write this I am three weeks into being unemployed. I don't know how I'll pay my house or car payments next month. I'm having some problems with an old knee injury and have no insurance. But I know where the source of joy is... was... and always will be.
In my Lord who strengthens me.
"Find joy in me."
Thank you, Jesus. For the simple message that speaks so much.
The first weekend in June, a good friend of mine and I attened a retreat for men's group leaders which was held at Franciscan University in Steubenville, OH.
I was originally under the impression that it was going to be more of a conference, where men would exchange ideas and tips on how to run men's groups/conferences better. To my surprise (and joy) it was MUCH more than that.
The weekend (as well as the location, for those who have never been to Franciscan University) was life changing. On the first night, we took part in benediction and adoration. Truth be told, I have never been good at adoration. Either my mind wanders aimlessly... or I fall asleep. This time I begged God to speak to me in this setting. 75 men worshipping Christ in the Most Blessed Sacrament after having been through confession. I asked for Him to show me true happiness. True joy that would not send me "seeking" in the wrong (and sinful) places, or cause anger and frustration when let down by those in whom you've put your trust.
"Please," I begged. "Please, please, please..." And He spoke to me. And His words were few, but powerful.
"Find joy in me."
"Of course!" I thought. But I kind of knew that. He is the source of all joy. For what seemed like 15 minutes, all I could hear in my head were those four words. Find joy in me. Find joy in me. Find joy in me.
But as I continued to think... and soon became destracted... the phrase (or at least the emphasis) changed. Soon it was: "Find joy in ME." At each distraction, I was "snapped" back to the center by Christ saying, "Find joy in Me." Not is other people being more quiet. Not in the bad driver. Not in the screaming children. Not in your job, your friends or your family. Over here! Find joy in ME! Not over there. Find joy in ME.
There it was, a true (to my definition) "centering prayer." One that brings your focus back to God and not on the noises in the periphery. One that holds your gaze, your attention and your spirit.
Finally! I had "found" something in adoration. But that was only the beginning. The Masses at the University were the most amazing I have EVER attended. I was prayed over and deliverd from so much brokenness. I heard speakers who pierced my soul. I talked with men who LOVED God.
I came back to Portland unconcerned that I had only sold a handful of tickets to a conference I was funding with my own credit card. As my wife and I began a Novena to the Immaculate Heart of Mary... the registrations came pouring in. On the day of the conference I had 60+ walk-up registrations. The day was amazing!
The next day (Father's Day) was full of joy.
The next day (Monday) I was fired from my job.
It was not a "good" break up.
But you know what. I know now that I can't look for joy in others. They'll let you down every time. As I drove away from my now-former work, with my box of stuff in the passenger seat, I smiled. I know that our God is an awesome God, and that He has WONDERFUL things in store for those who love Him.
As I write this I am three weeks into being unemployed. I don't know how I'll pay my house or car payments next month. I'm having some problems with an old knee injury and have no insurance. But I know where the source of joy is... was... and always will be.
In my Lord who strengthens me.
"Find joy in me."
Thank you, Jesus. For the simple message that speaks so much.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
2009 Real Catholic Men Conference: A Done Deal.
I know, I know. It's been forever. Some of you might be saying, "I never knew he was gone." Either way, I'm back to let you know how everything went for the 2009 RCM Conference.
I arrived at the venue (St. Joseph Parish in Vancouver, WA, just over the river from Portland, OR) at about 6:15 AM and was surprised to find the venue coordinators Christian Spencer and Jerry Herera already there. We had a couple of issue right off the bat.
The graphic I created to project on the big screen as a welcome to the men when they arrived wouldn't open for some reason. Luckily, the day's program was also on a disc, and Christian whipped up a new graphic that looked great - better than what I had originally come up with!
Then, my father-in-law and I tried to put together the RCM sign frame which is always a hassle - and it was again. But we had plenty of time and were able to throw it together.
I must admit, we had some scary times over the past few months, as advance ticket sales were very poor. However, my registration table helpers came to me early on and told me that the walk-ups just wouldn't stop. Thank You, Jesus!
This year we served a continental breakfast in addition to lunch. Yummy! I heard rave reviews for all who came about the quaility of the food. You go, Knights of Columbus.
Evangelist Richard Lane was the first to take the stage. He gave an emotional and heart-felt talk about change and the call for Reconciliation. The crowd was shouting, "AMEN!" from the moment he began until the moment he left.
It took Richard 15+ hours to make the trip from St. Louis. No, that is not how long it should take. And, yes, it is a long story.
After that, 200 men made their way to Confession. The seven priests in attendance offered the Sacrament, and I was so pleased to see so many men make a fresh start. Music was provided by world-class composer and pianist, Ken Canedo of Spirit and Song.
Lunch followed, and it was a great time to shop the vendor tables and have over an hour of fellowship. I worked the tables and sold raffle tickets to support the Father Bernard Youth Center in Mt. Angel, Oregon. We raised $354 for this great organization.
After lunch, John LaBriola hit the men between the eyes with a talk on spiritual warfare. It was a topic I knew needed to be discussed. John did a great job, and many men told me how great the practical tips were. Thanks, John.
Father Donald Calloway closed the speaker portion of the day by recounting his amazing and anointed conversion story. Wow! No matter if you've heard it before or not - you can't help but be moved.
As is customary - and rightly so - the day ended with Holy Mass in the beautiful church. The place was packed. And that's the way it should be!
St. Joseph Radio was there to record the day, and they sold out of every copy they had burned... and continued to take orders for more. I hope to have more information about how to obtain copies if anyone is interested.
Many men were transformed by the day, and the feedback has been incredible. I am so excited to be preparing for 2010 and beyond. For more information on the 2010 conference as well as pictures from the event, log on to www.RealCatholicMen.com.
I arrived at the venue (St. Joseph Parish in Vancouver, WA, just over the river from Portland, OR) at about 6:15 AM and was surprised to find the venue coordinators Christian Spencer and Jerry Herera already there. We had a couple of issue right off the bat.
The graphic I created to project on the big screen as a welcome to the men when they arrived wouldn't open for some reason. Luckily, the day's program was also on a disc, and Christian whipped up a new graphic that looked great - better than what I had originally come up with!
Then, my father-in-law and I tried to put together the RCM sign frame which is always a hassle - and it was again. But we had plenty of time and were able to throw it together.
I must admit, we had some scary times over the past few months, as advance ticket sales were very poor. However, my registration table helpers came to me early on and told me that the walk-ups just wouldn't stop. Thank You, Jesus!
This year we served a continental breakfast in addition to lunch. Yummy! I heard rave reviews for all who came about the quaility of the food. You go, Knights of Columbus.
Evangelist Richard Lane was the first to take the stage. He gave an emotional and heart-felt talk about change and the call for Reconciliation. The crowd was shouting, "AMEN!" from the moment he began until the moment he left.
It took Richard 15+ hours to make the trip from St. Louis. No, that is not how long it should take. And, yes, it is a long story.
After that, 200 men made their way to Confession. The seven priests in attendance offered the Sacrament, and I was so pleased to see so many men make a fresh start. Music was provided by world-class composer and pianist, Ken Canedo of Spirit and Song.
Lunch followed, and it was a great time to shop the vendor tables and have over an hour of fellowship. I worked the tables and sold raffle tickets to support the Father Bernard Youth Center in Mt. Angel, Oregon. We raised $354 for this great organization.
After lunch, John LaBriola hit the men between the eyes with a talk on spiritual warfare. It was a topic I knew needed to be discussed. John did a great job, and many men told me how great the practical tips were. Thanks, John.
Father Donald Calloway closed the speaker portion of the day by recounting his amazing and anointed conversion story. Wow! No matter if you've heard it before or not - you can't help but be moved.
As is customary - and rightly so - the day ended with Holy Mass in the beautiful church. The place was packed. And that's the way it should be!
St. Joseph Radio was there to record the day, and they sold out of every copy they had burned... and continued to take orders for more. I hope to have more information about how to obtain copies if anyone is interested.
Many men were transformed by the day, and the feedback has been incredible. I am so excited to be preparing for 2010 and beyond. For more information on the 2010 conference as well as pictures from the event, log on to www.RealCatholicMen.com.
Friday, May 29, 2009
A May to Forget
You may have noticed that I haven't been blogging for a while. Well, there are a number of good reasons for that.
First and foremost are the 4 ER visits and 3 hospital stays my wife (and I) endured this month. We even had to resort to having my mother coming out from Arizona (God bless her) to help out for a week so I could actually go to work. You see, I had used up ALL my sick time taking care of her and the kids since January.
I have also been solely responsible for launch a huge project at work which called me to work 13-hour days - all while my wife was in enormous pain. We've had to call on friends to take shifts in watching the kids, picking up my oldest daughter from Kindergarten, bringing us food and just keeping our heads above water.
Our faith community has been a literal God-send. But that doesn't make the stress any less. It was during this time that we also decided to have our daughter go to a different Catholic school for the 1st Grade next year. It's much closer, but not a place we have been too involved in... and not a place where we have a community (yet).
Oh, and don't forget I'm also in the final weeks of planning the men's conference - and ticket sales have been WAY down.
I can barely bring myself to pray...and when I do, it seems to come out as simple begging for the stress and strain to stop. I just want it to end.
Why?
Because I have not spiritually armed myself well enough to handle such periods with grace and fortitude. I really thought that this was the time I was going to crack under the pressure and make a reservation in a little padded room.
There's other stuff too, but I won't go into it here.
The devil is trying to get me down. And he's done a pretty good job of it so far. I need help. We all need help.
My scripture reading and prayer time has vanished. I just want to sleep. I just want the kids to be quiet. I just want to go away.
But I know I have been called. And I cannot turn away. Because it was the Master who called His servant.
"Speak, O Lord. Your servant is listening."
Unfortunately, I'm too busy begging for it all to stop to listen.
First and foremost are the 4 ER visits and 3 hospital stays my wife (and I) endured this month. We even had to resort to having my mother coming out from Arizona (God bless her) to help out for a week so I could actually go to work. You see, I had used up ALL my sick time taking care of her and the kids since January.
I have also been solely responsible for launch a huge project at work which called me to work 13-hour days - all while my wife was in enormous pain. We've had to call on friends to take shifts in watching the kids, picking up my oldest daughter from Kindergarten, bringing us food and just keeping our heads above water.
Our faith community has been a literal God-send. But that doesn't make the stress any less. It was during this time that we also decided to have our daughter go to a different Catholic school for the 1st Grade next year. It's much closer, but not a place we have been too involved in... and not a place where we have a community (yet).
Oh, and don't forget I'm also in the final weeks of planning the men's conference - and ticket sales have been WAY down.
I can barely bring myself to pray...and when I do, it seems to come out as simple begging for the stress and strain to stop. I just want it to end.
Why?
Because I have not spiritually armed myself well enough to handle such periods with grace and fortitude. I really thought that this was the time I was going to crack under the pressure and make a reservation in a little padded room.
There's other stuff too, but I won't go into it here.
The devil is trying to get me down. And he's done a pretty good job of it so far. I need help. We all need help.
My scripture reading and prayer time has vanished. I just want to sleep. I just want the kids to be quiet. I just want to go away.
But I know I have been called. And I cannot turn away. Because it was the Master who called His servant.
"Speak, O Lord. Your servant is listening."
Unfortunately, I'm too busy begging for it all to stop to listen.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Are You Ready For More Catholic Bashing?
Reports today state that Mel Gibson's wife, Robyn, has filed for divorce.
As "the face" of Catholicism to most people, this tragic event in the life of the Gibson family will be just the foder the anti-Catholic community has been looking for.
Hold firm. Show love and forgiveness.
And most of all - be prepared to defend yourselves.
And, of course, pray for them.
As "the face" of Catholicism to most people, this tragic event in the life of the Gibson family will be just the foder the anti-Catholic community has been looking for.
Hold firm. Show love and forgiveness.
And most of all - be prepared to defend yourselves.
And, of course, pray for them.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
I Fail, Therefore I Am
Living your faith raises the bar.
It's like setting the high-jump to 12'. God's pretty sure you're not going to make it over, but the plan is for each of us to work hard every day and give it our best shot.
That's how I've been feeling lately.
When I set out to do the Real Catholic Men conference and the associated ministry, I knew I'd be putting a sort of target on my back. Who the heck was I to be taking on this role? What would people think of me if I stumbled and fell for all to see? Would the people of faith afford me the forgiveness and understanding that I need when I fall?
Well, I'm here to tell you that I am human, and that I have been having a hard time lately.
Like many men, there is something in (or around) my heart that is not letting Jesus fully inside. Either that, or that there is so much garbage in there that there is no room for Him. My faith has taken up residence in my mind, but not in my soul. Christ continues to live in the fringe and not at the center of my life. I am trying - don't get me wrong - and I will not give up. But it's difficult.
The relationship that I have with God is much like it is with my wife. She is a saint to put up with me. And I'm sure all of us who are married can pretty much say the same thing. We can be a real pain in the butt. Lately, I have been a HUGE one.
And while I truly love my wife, there are times that I treat her horribly. She deserves better. But I seem to not be able to let her all the way inside my heart, and anger is usually the easiest way to keep her out.
I know my faith and I (for the most part) live my faith, but I am having hard time feeling my faith. I read and pray and confess and pray some more, but the wall is still up.
I have recently found a new spiritual director who I hope will take me further in my understanding of why I am who I am. I am a sinful man, trying to leave that person further behind each and every day - only the distance is not increasing.
This is a life-long endeavor. I will work on it every day until I die. God willing, in end I'll have been made worthy to hear those words: "Well done, good and faithful servant. Well done."
Pray for me as I do for all of you.
It's like setting the high-jump to 12'. God's pretty sure you're not going to make it over, but the plan is for each of us to work hard every day and give it our best shot.
That's how I've been feeling lately.
When I set out to do the Real Catholic Men conference and the associated ministry, I knew I'd be putting a sort of target on my back. Who the heck was I to be taking on this role? What would people think of me if I stumbled and fell for all to see? Would the people of faith afford me the forgiveness and understanding that I need when I fall?
Well, I'm here to tell you that I am human, and that I have been having a hard time lately.
Like many men, there is something in (or around) my heart that is not letting Jesus fully inside. Either that, or that there is so much garbage in there that there is no room for Him. My faith has taken up residence in my mind, but not in my soul. Christ continues to live in the fringe and not at the center of my life. I am trying - don't get me wrong - and I will not give up. But it's difficult.
The relationship that I have with God is much like it is with my wife. She is a saint to put up with me. And I'm sure all of us who are married can pretty much say the same thing. We can be a real pain in the butt. Lately, I have been a HUGE one.
And while I truly love my wife, there are times that I treat her horribly. She deserves better. But I seem to not be able to let her all the way inside my heart, and anger is usually the easiest way to keep her out.
I know my faith and I (for the most part) live my faith, but I am having hard time feeling my faith. I read and pray and confess and pray some more, but the wall is still up.
I have recently found a new spiritual director who I hope will take me further in my understanding of why I am who I am. I am a sinful man, trying to leave that person further behind each and every day - only the distance is not increasing.
This is a life-long endeavor. I will work on it every day until I die. God willing, in end I'll have been made worthy to hear those words: "Well done, good and faithful servant. Well done."
Pray for me as I do for all of you.
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